There was a period of time in my early 20s where I lived alone, or mostly alone. My family was living in Germany and I was in Salt Lake going to college. I had quite a few adventures during those days and this is one of them.
The Problem
One crisp Saturday morning after having prepared cinnamon toast for breakfast and partaking of it with my own hands, I strolled outside in the front yard of my parent’s house enjoying the fresh air and quietude that delicately mantled in the air. Then I stepped in a heaping pile of dog crap[1].
Having been shocked into the reality of my predicament, I surveyed the yard and found there to be quite a few heaping piles of dog crap spread liberally across our property. I suppose I had never noticed them before — these little piles of offense — as I was a busy college student with a non-existent social life.
But there I stood, one foot cemented in gooey feces and decided that something must done. There must be a way to keep dogs and other animals from pooping in my yard.
Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it
I remember stories of my grandfather, my father’s father, who was an avid gun collector and hunter, and how he dealt with neighborhood cats. He filled a squirt bottle with bleach and when a cat raised it’s tail to dump, he would squirt the cat’s anus with bleach and watch the cat obtain running speeds only dreamed of by astronauts.
Having considered this idea I realized it had several disadvantages (as well as several humorous advantages) — and I rejected the idea.
So I began to think and leverage all my knowledge and experience about and with dogs against the problem of keeping them from soiling my yard. I remembered that they are territorial and mark said territory with their urine… and so an idea formed.
My Brilliant Idea
If dogs marked their territory with urine, I reasoned, then I too could mark my territory with my own urine. I believed it was possible to mark my territory, so to speak and thus let the wandering and ill-mannered dogs know they were trespassing when encroaching on my yard.
Realizing also that it was impractical to run around the yard several times a day pissing in various strategic locations I resolved myself to collecting the urine in a jar then, as time permitted, pouring that urine in various quantities and locations around the yard. Thus I would mark my territory and reclaim my yard as my own.
I soon discovered, however, that my urine output was, I believed, far below any usable amount — measuring but a scant couple of cups per day. Anticipating this to be a problem, I started drinking water and any other beverage I could find and holding my urine until such time it could be collected. Soon I was collecting more than a quart per day and was able to liberally pour vast quantities in continuous streams around the yard creating, in effect, an unbroken barrier of marking.
An Unexpected Result
Within a week I did see a marked decline in the amount of dog excrement on my lawn and on several occasions — having become interested in the experiment and watching the foot- and paw-traffic when time permitted, observed dogs becoming visibly and noticeably confused when entering my territory. Although these dogs would sprinkle a few drops of their own scent here and there, they all quickly moved on to less odoriferous territories.
Then one day after a week or so of my efforts I took myself to walking to the Greek Souvlaki and noticed that neighborhood dogs began barking at me with unusual ferocity and at greater distance than before. Upon actually walking directly in front of them they became crazed as if possessed by daemons that they would surely drive them to eviscerate and devour me if the fence did not obstruct them!
It then dawned on me that they could easily associate the smell of my territory with me, the person, and I was now outside my territory and well into theirs. Even dogs from several hundred feet distance would identify in this manner and would bark as if to say they would rip me to shreds if they were afforded but half the opportunity.
A More Traditional Method
Now for those who do not know me very well, I have not had, shall we say, great experiences with dogs. In fact, I was first bitten by a dog at the tender age of 3 and introduced to tetnis shots at that same time — which was a portent of things to come[2].
Not wanting to increase my already uncanny chances of being bitten again, I decided the experiment had been a success — and I declared it so and stopped peeing around the yard.
Rather, I turned to more traditional methods such as observing which dog accidentally left their property in my yard and then humbly returning it to the dog’s owner, usually in a place where they would find the missing item, such as the driver’s seat of their car or in their mailbox.
Miraculously this affected the same result as owners became more aware of their pet’s unfortunate habit of dropping things and were more fastidious in collecting their dog’s misplaced items.
fn1. Despite being mislead in my youth everyone can easily tell the difference between dog crap and human poop. One afternoon when I was 6 a friend and I played at my elementary school’s playground. Suddenly, I had to take a dump so bad I knew I would never make it home. My friend said, just take a poop right there next to the stairs — no one will see you (which was a lie) and they will think a dog did it. So, I relieved myself of personal discomfort right next to the stairs of the Kindergarden. The next day I casually walked up the stairs to Kindergarden and overheard Chantelle say “someone pooped right there” to which another girl said “yeah, and they probably thought we wouldn’t notice.” I just kept on walking.
fn2. I have been bitten by more dogs than I can count. Growing up I averaged a couple of bites a year which did two things. First, it instilled in me an inherent distrust for all dogs. Second, it kept me current on my tetnis shots so each time I had stitches (which also happend a couple of times a year) I didn’t receive additional shots.